Shadow
by Nalanzu
Summary: Love isn't always the answer. Warnings: Yaoi, character death.


You're everything. You're my light. It's ironic that I use that particular word, since there is another who can claim that you are his light with far more justification than I ever could. And yet it fits so well. You've always been like that, even in the days when I hurt you for no reason other than my own amusement. Things have changed, love. Now I'm hurting you for my own survival. So why do I feel so empty? 

You have been the light for as long as I remember. I couldn't always see it, but it was there. You were so beautiful, so perfect. I wanted to help you, but I couldn't. You were always helping me, and I couldn't ever do anything to pay you back. I tried, when that bastard of a cheating duelist threw your Exodia cards over the edge of the boat. I failed, of course, because I nearly always fail. 

It's funny, you never saw me like that. You always saw my successes, instead of my many futile efforts. I never really understood that, but in time I came to believe it with the same passion you did. That's the kind of effect you had on me in the beginning. 

Do you remember that time, our last year of high school, when we got caught making out behind the gym? I'll never forget the look on Ryou's face when we told them why we had detention. It was priceless, but we didn't think so at the time. I used to be able to laugh about things like that. 

College was… it was a liberating experience. For the first time, we were open about who we were, and what we meant to each other. I don't know why we felt so restricted in high school, since it really wasn't that much different. Maybe it was just that college coincided with the time we just didn't care about the consequences of our relationship any more, and just wanted to be together. 

Listen to me. I'm saying "we". It was MY feeling, MY emotion. You never loved me, you bastard. 

You were everything to me. I lived for you. I told you already, how much you meant to me. I used to skip class just to see you. It didn't matter that I was failing, as long as I could be near you. I found the solution to my problem by the second semester. I just took all the classes you were taking, and then I didn't have to worry about it any more. Seeing you is like a drug, euphoric and beautiful, and when it's gone, I'm covered in filth, cast down in the darkest hell imaginable. 

Our first kiss was like that too. Beautiful. I almost didn't have the courage to do it, and then you met me halfway. It was like I was on fire, with liquid ice running through my veins. You were intoxicating. I couldn't get enough. Why are you like that? 

You told me that you wanted to study archeology like your grandfather, and so I decided to study it as well, just to be close to you. But then I was approached for a modeling job, and I was good at it. It was strange. It was totally outside your sphere, and I didn't know what to do. So I asked you. Do you know what you told me? Of course you do. 

You told me to take the job. You said it would be good for me, and was I sure I was getting enough sleep? I remember every syllable, every movement that you made. So I did. It took me away from you, and I hated it. 

At the same time, I studied with you, learned what you did, twisted my brain around the things that you loved and which I didn't understand. I hated it, but you loved it, and I loved you, and I would do anything for you. 

I was too far gone in you to realize what was happening around me, and to me. You were my light. You were everything. I couldn't tear myself away from you. I wanted you to be happy. 

Kaiba calls me a puppy dog. He's not far off. I was your dog, your bitch. I would have done anything you asked. If you had told me to slit Ryou's throat, I would have done it. If you had told me to sabotage Kaiba's company, I would have done it. If you had told me to… you get the idea. And I think you knew it. 

There was a point when I think I realized that I had lost myself in you. That moment came when I was walking out of a photo shoot, and I remember thinking what I needed to get done before you got home, because you were helping your grandfather that day. You had said something along the lines of blue being your favorite color, and so I bought a blue sweater, and two gallons of blue paint, and painted our room blue. 

You walked in the door and you were so surprised. I asked if you liked it, and you said that you did, but why had I done it? I said I wanted to, because I wanted you to smile. You did smile then, but there was something missing, and I dropped the paintbrush back into the can, and said, _You don't like it_. You denied it, and told me that it was wonderful, but wasn't it going a bit overboard to paint the entire room blue? _I knew it_, I said, _You don't like it, I'll repaint it the way it was_. You said,_ No, it's fine now_. But I could tell there was something wrong. I tried to think of ways to fix it, and yet I couldn't come up with anything. I started working less so I could spend more time with you, started helping your grandfather on the days when you were there, skipped lectures again just so I could find something to give to you to make it better. 

You told me that I was being silly, and to go back to work, and not to cut my classes, and that everything was fine. I agreed with you, and I did what you told me. You smiled, and it seemed that everything was all right again. 

Until you went to Egypt for a week, with your grandfather and two of the professors from the college. I didn't get to go, because I had to work. That was one of the worst weeks of my life. I didn't sleep the first few nights, and the only reason I slept on the fifth night was possibly because Honda drugged me. The next time I woke up it was to you. I reached out to touch you and you shattered, and I woke up crying. Honda was sitting next to me, holding one of my hands. _Jounouchi_, he asked, _are you all right_? 

_I'm fine_, I replied. 

_You're a mess_. Honda is nothing if not blunt. 

_No, I'm fine, Yugi is coming back tomorrow_. I must have smiled at that. 

_Jounouchi_… He paused there, and I could tell that he was searching for the right words. He finally continued. _Are you sure that your relationship with Yugi is such a good thing?_

Guess he didn't quite find those right words. _Of course it is!_ I was angry at him for maligning you, and I snatched my hand back as if he had burned me. 

_That's not…_ He paused again. _You're not yourself, Jounouchi. You're what he wants you to be._ He stood up, and as I started to fall asleep again, he melted and faded into shadows. When I woke up, I didn't know if it had been a dream or not. I didn't want to ask Honda, but he was treating me like he always did, so I didn't worry about it too much. 

At least, I tried not to worry about it. It was just that those two sentences kept circling around in my mind like two caged rats with nowhere to go. It was as if they had been planted with the express purpose of driving me insane, and once spoken could not be ignored. I kept trying to head them off somehow – like by telling them that it was a good thing to make your lover happy – but every time I tried they kept coming back… 

You asked me what was wrong. I said I needed some space, that I didn't feel right about us. You were so understanding, even though you looked hurt. It was such an act. It didn't last more than three days before I found myself at your door again, begging you to take me back. You welcomed me, and never spoke of it again. But those phrases wouldn't go away, and I tried again. You told me that I needed to make up my mind, and that you wanted me there with you, but that you would let me go if I really felt that it was for the best. How could I leave you after that? 

It's not for the best. Nothing is for the best. I can't escape you. I love you. I love you. I love you more than I love life, more than I love anything else. I would do anything for you, and that's why I have to end it. 

I'm nothing more than you. I'm your shadow. I can't do it. I want you too badly, too much. The thought of ever losing you makes me physically ill, and yet I can't live with what you mean to me any longer. I have to leave you, but leaving you isn't enough, because then you'll still be there for me to return to, and I'm not strong enough to stay away. 

That's why I have to do this. Don't you understand? Don't you? I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to feel any pain. I'll make it quick, I promise, just don't look at me like that. 

It's over. It's finally over. Can you hear me now? Of course not. Of course you can't hear me. It's over. 

I… I extinguished your light. Like your Swords of Revealing Light, you kept me bound to you and immobilized, and now that I can move, I can't move away from you. I can't stay away from you. I'm coming to join you, if you wait for me… only for a minute, and I'll be there… 


End file.
